Love and Tears At 9:10

I am not sure where to start but know that the image of you, mom, with dad at your side as he looked at you with love and intent, holding your hand, I will remember that forever. As well as knowing you were surrounded by all of us your loved ones as you left us this day. So I thank you mom for giving me life. And being my steadfast rock forever. I am eternally grateful to you and I love you.

At 10:09 am yesterday morning (or 9:09 am Ontario time) when a woman, a nurse dressed in dark blue apparel, turned to my brother as he held his iPhone so I could be with mom and family and said with a nod, “she passed.” Then looked over at my dad and gently said, “she’s gone.” What!!! I mean she had just bent over my mom with her stethoscope, moving it all over her upper body. My brother and I were talking while I looked at my mom. I understood afterward but not in that very moment. Throat full of tears of love and disbelief and joy and whatever in between, my mom passed away peacefully. No words but a cacophony of emotions and images washed over me. My mom died at 9:10 am on her birthday with my dad holding her hand.

I had just asked my brother “did mom’s breathing change?” “No”, he said. It did not because it had already stopped. Oh oh oh mom. I am so very grateful to my brother and sister using their technology to connect me and my youngest sister so we could be with mom as she passed away peacefully yesterday morning. We were all together her children, spouse, sister and of course ever faithfully dad. (Some decisions like moving far away during times like these, sucks big time). So technology, you rock. Best best best gift to give her and us. Over the course of the last few days and ending on her birthday, we were with mom, ma, mother. Wrapped in love she was washed in words and touch pouring out from each of our hearts.

Its okay mom….your good.

Oh mom you came into the world, not sure if you were crying loudly or not, but you left this world as God held you gently and so lovingly in a peaceful way. The quiet gentle, and yes sassy too at times, woman (daughter, wife, mom, grandma, great grandma, sister, aunt, friend) who passed with a grace and dignity you so deserve. Beloved and liked of anyone who has met you. You looked so content, with your head turned to your life partner who has been at your side for over 67 years and looking at you so intently, you passed peacefully. Oh mom! Oh dad! Thank you Lord. I am humbly grateful.

Hey mom. You got to turn 29 again on the 29th. LOL. You are a rascal. You held on, didn’t you and we celebrated you of birth and death. God works in mysterious ways. Great plan, mom. Not sure how that happens in terms of aging as you know my own three daughters are 30 and over and your other four grandkids in their 20’s, and even your three great grandchildren in the mix. But hey mom, it’s your gig. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear mom, Happy Birthday to you. You did it!! And your middle great granddaughter will continue on with you as she celebrated yours and her day. I’ll tell her one day your story that happened on your 87th and her 5th birthday.

I had no idea of how things work when one leaves this earth. But honestly watching my mom struggle with her breathing, as she has been on oxygen for the last few months, and then last Monday getting a phone call at 4 in the morning from my oldest sister, “mom is now in palliative care’…..what does that mean? It was hard to wrap my head around. I know the word palliative but I needed plain English. It is her time. Seriously, no. I have been praying to God to bring peace to my mom for awhile. But in the moment it is happening, one is not prepared. Is anyone? Crazy and trying to be calm would be the operative struggle within.

The ups and downs inside the heart and mind, wondering and waiting and not wanting and hoping. What does one feel! It does not matter because life and death are inevitable. One day, one step, one breath at a time. For me, I did not want her to suffer now and any more. No more. She was slipping and thought last Tuesday it was it. Then holy moly, my sister calls on Wednesday and says, guess what! Mom is up and eating and chatting away (slurred speech mind you but hey I would take it.) What in the holy goodness! But it was her last hurrah. Mom held on until her birthday and left this earth to be with God in heaven.

Mom, I love you. See you later. Blessings.

Let us pray for those dearly departed and those whom are in need of our prayers.

PS To my own daughters and to my family who brought their strength and love. Bless your hearts.

And to the staff at the nursing home, a great appreciation of your dedication, knowledge, and caring for mom, thank you.